Dear Quentin,
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I have a question, and I’m not sure who else I can ask without ruffling feathers. I’ve been with my significant other for 12 years now. We are not married! He had a 2-year-old son when I met him; his son is now 14. We also have a son together who is 2 years old. We recently put an offer on a new home and it was accepted. We have come up with a percentage split based on our incomes which works out to 58/42.
I moved into his home around 2012. I pay him a monthly rent and I also buy all the groceries and household items (laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, etc). I take care of the landscaping by mowing or paying half for someone to mow. I pay half for mulch and I pay for all the plants and greenery myself. I have contributed to the decorations and upkeep of the home as well.
Only he is on the mortgage and the deed of the home we live in now. He’s looking at about a $200,000 profit when he sells his home. My question is: What is fair? I have taken care of his first child from another marriage for about 12 years — that’s a lot of money out of my pocket spent on food, hygiene items and household items. I have also taken care of the home all those years and helped to make it what it is today.
I’m not looking for financial gain, but I think maybe he should cover the realtor’s commission when we sell this home, or maybe cover a renovation project or two after we buy our new jointly-owned property. I will continue to pay for the older son’s expenses as he will be living in our new home most of the time (it’s 50/50 custody but he is with us about 75% of the time as he prefers to stay at our house). What are your thoughts?
Trying To Do What’s Right
Dear Trying,
You’re co-parents, but not co-owners. That presents an unusually tricky dynamic.
Real-estate prices have risen significantly in the wake of the Great Recession, and you have not benefited from any of that equity. For that reason, he should pay for the real-estate commission on the sale of his home. You are paying rent, after all, and he is making a $200,000 profit. Would it be nice for him to offer to split that $200,000? Sure, if you also split the real-estate commission on the sale, but I don’t see that he is obliged to do so.
You have organized your lives in such a way that is not entirely equitable from a financial point of view. Because your partner owns the house, he has the balance of power. You have taken on equal responsibility as parents, but I find it curious and, frankly, somewhat unsettling that you pay for all of the groceries, and you are solely responsible for the management and upkeep of the garden, both in terms of money and labor.
As you are both raising these children, it’s a question of yours, mine and ours, regardless of whether they are your biological children or not. That is, you both chip in equally, and don’t split hairs over who is paying what for whose child. It’s important for kids to feel like they are loved equally, as I’m sure they are. When his child goes to college, that is a separate conversation, given that he is the biological parent and higher earning partner.
An alternative to splitting the $200,000 50/50 — one that would be entirely a gesture of goodwill — is for him to invest $100,000 of the profit on his home in your new home. That way you both benefit from at least half of that equity. In your new home, you will be joint owners, and split all the bills evenly. Just because he has a 58% share of the property should not mean that you continue to pay for all the groceries and landscaping.
You’re obviously in this relationship for the long term. Treat it as a fresh start.
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